Screwballs (1983)

After last week’s Malibu High, a movie that is not at all as fun and lighthearted as the poster looked, I decided it’s time for me to actually go for something that is exactly what it appears.

Screwballs – “The nuts who always score!”  I mean just look at that poster.  The simple composition of a girl in her underwear running away from a dude in his boxers while he pulls the strap to her bra tells you exactly everything you need to know about this movie.  Mainly that there will likely be lots and lots of sexual misconduct.  And I’m gonna see boobs.  But mostly the sexual misconduct.  But even more mostly that I’m gonna see boobs. Continue reading “Screwballs (1983)”

Malibu High (1979)

Hooray!  I’m gonna watch more exploitation from the 70s!  This makes me very happy.  And why shouldn’t I feel that way?  Look at the poster to the left for this week’s feature, Malibu High.  Look at the comely lady sunbathing toplessly with that smile that almost says, “Look what I got myself into this time…  I’m such a fun gal!”

And what did she get herself into?  Well, it looks like a bunch of various types of guys in the background are looking on.  Because they are drawn in caricature while she is drawn in photo realism, I’m guessing these guys are gonna be a bunch of rapscallions that will be either scolding our luscious leading lady Kim (played by Jill Lansing), or they will be chasing after her like sex-crazed juveniles hoping she’ll spend a night with them in the ol’ sack. Continue reading “Malibu High (1979)”

The Candy Tangerine Man (1975)

“GIT BACK JACK – GIVE HIM NO JIVE… HE IS THE BAAAD’EST CAT IN ’75”

Here’s a perfect example of spectacular marketing at work.  I mean…  You’ve got a rhyme that uses the word “jive”.  Not to mentioned “bad” has two extra A’s for effect.  And this fella is a cat.  I like cats.

Also, this is a fuckin’ for real 1970s blaxploitation action flick with crime and racists cops and a fuckin’ pimp.

The Candy Tangerine Man is a favorite of the genre for Quentin Tarantino (becauseofcourseitis) and Samuel L. Jackson (because he’s a bad motherfucker).  The former stating that the director, Matt Cimber, made some of his more favorite films.  I think it is also extremely important to discuss Mr. Cimber. Continue reading “The Candy Tangerine Man (1975)”

Kung Fu Brother (2016)

Oh no…  I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.

This… is Kung Fu Brother.  You know you’re in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb’s cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot. Continue reading “Kung Fu Brother (2016)”

Policewomen (1974)

Cold Steel on the outside… ALL woman on the inside!

Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas.  Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals – they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market.  I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!

HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ!  LADIES AND GUNS!  WOOHOO!

Ahem…  Sorry, everyone.  Not sure what got into me there.  Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action.  I mean, why not?  Let’s turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!? Continue reading “Policewomen (1974)”

Devil’s Express (1976)

Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?

Why, it’s Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil’s Express!  Where do I start with this one?  I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy.  There’s a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other.  We have the not one, but TWO taglines – “50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!” and “Take the Express train to TERROR!!!”  Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.

But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster.  Mr. Warhawk Tanzania!  That’s a fucking name and a half, ain’t it?  Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that – 1) he’s gonna kick ass and 2) he ain’t gonna take no jive from anybody no how. Continue reading “Devil’s Express (1976)”

The Octagon (1980)

Aw shit yeah octagons.

They tell us to stop our cars.  They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments.  They have eight, count ’em EIGHT, sides.  You know why octagons are so fuckin’ badass?

Because they ain’t no squares, that’s why.

Then there’s Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris does not wear a condom – because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice.  They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn’t take shit from anybody.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN. Continue reading “The Octagon (1980)”

The Suckling (1990)

Oh, what’s this?  The Suckling?  I wonder if this movie is any good.  What is it that they say?  Ah, that’s right…

“What’s in a name?  Everything.”

Oh.  Oh, no.  That doesn’t bode well.  Well, I can at least say that the monster on the cover of the box is fucking awesome looking.  Look at that guy!  He’s all head and teeth and grossness!

I also have to give it props for two things written up on for real, very reliable websites.  The first, is the very brief synopsis given on Amazon Prime Video: “An aborted fetus dumped in a sewer full of toxic sludge returns.  Newly restored in HD.”  Fuck yeah!  We got a dumpster baby!  AND!  AND!  It’s been restored to high goddamn definition!  That just kills me.  That part at the end about it being newly restored is likely not going to be the selling point for any normal person looking for a movie for this evening’s entertainment. Continue reading “The Suckling (1990)”