Oh boy… After last week’s utter debacle, I could certainly use a little British classiness to bounce back. Too bad it’s still an Asylum fuckfest abortion.
Sherlock Holmes, as a character, first appeared in print in 1887 and was an immediate success for author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I could spend a long time giving you more history about the character being one of the most famous detectives in all of history, and how many books he was in, and what have you, but I’ll save that for Wikipedia to tell you all about.
No, the origin of this entry in the Asylum library comes from Holmes’ popularity in film and television. From Basil Rathbone to Peter Cushing to Benedict Cumberbatch to even Tom Baker, Sherlock Holmes has been thrilling audiences since the earliest days of film. In 2009, director Guy Ritchie teamed Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law as Holmes and John Watson, respectively, and the film was a super success. It even spawned a sequel two years later.
I haven’t seen that movie, but I’m watching this fuckin’ cheap ripoff!
The Asylum, always eager to cash in on other studios’ hard work and actual competent filmmaking, decided they would give Sherlock Holmes the ol’ college try with this 2010 insane-o story about a detective in Victorian England dealing with dinosaurs and other assorted problems that plag…
Wait, what? Sherlock Holmes Vs. DINOSAURS??? No. No way. Nuh uh. Dinosaurs? Surely this is some sort of joke. I mean, sure, the cover of the DVD above shows a T-Rex and some sort of fire-breathing monster, and what appears to be a kraken… Wait… Really??? This has to be a marketing gimmick. Surely Amazon Prime’s synopsis will help sort this out. Here, let’s see what it says:
“Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London.”
Well, I’ll be a motherfucker. There’s not much more I can say. We’ve got Sherlock Holmes going up against giant monsters in Victorian London. Seriously… What more can I say? What word could I possible use to describe the emotions I’m feeling before I click “Watch Now” on my browser? Oh, this should do it:
The movie starts in December of 1940 while London is getting bombed. An old man, who happens to be Dr. Watson, sits and watches and mourns by saying this is the second time he’s watched London burn. By the way, I kinda think it’s a death wish for a wheelchair bound man to be sitting next to a window during an all out bombing of his city. Just a thought. Anyway, he asks for his lovely nurse to transcribe a story of his – a story of Sherlock Holmes’ greatest battle!
Flashback to 1882, and before I go any further, let me just say I’m kinda tired of these goddamn Asylum movies and their cold opens. Okay, so in 1882, strange occurrences start happening around London. A ship is attacked by a giant tentacle beast. Sherlock Holmes shows up to gather Dr. Watson to investigate.
Let’s talk about Sherlock and Watson. They suuuuuuuuck. If I didn’t know these guys were British, I would swear these assholes were putting on the worst Victorian gentlemen accents I’ve ever heard. Seriously, I have no ability at impersonation or accents, and I’d probably be a better British guy than these dudes. At least the guy playing Sherlock Holmes, Gareth David-Lloyd. Also, Watson is totally showed up by Holmes when Holmes dissects, effortlessly, the cause of death of the man Watson is about to perform the autopsy on. Later, Watson is dissed again by the man who brought Holmes into the investigation. Probably doesn’t help that Watson looks like Jack Black in an old timey suit. Seriously, these guys act like high school drama student that are putting on a show of Sherlock Holmes.
Alright, I have that out of my system.
Holmes and Watson interview a man who was on the attacked ship and he gives a wild story about a monster and all his mates being killed and so forth. Watson believes he’s in shock, but Holmes thinks he might be telling the truth. After a particularly long scene (seriously like at least ten minutes) of Watson descending the Cliffs of Dover, and a not funny at all joke about how he should be the one to descend to look over the wreckage of the ship instead of Holmes, Watson sees a person in the water and cries out that he sees the person and will get help. However, the person doesn’t respond and Watson doesn’t tell anyone on the scene about it anyway so whatever. Nothing to report here! Everything is normal! Just a wrecked ship on the rocks!
That night, a man in Whitechapel picks up what I think might be Missy from Doctor Who and buys her, um, services. He then gets killed by a straight up, fucking dinosaur.
Watson still believes these wild tales they are hearing from the survivor of the shipwreck and the story of the monster that killed a man in Whitechapel is just sensational claptrap. They are walking in a park when another person comes by yelling about seeing something. They dismiss it at first, but later see a footprint of a dinosaur and gets chased by something hiding in the shrubs. It eventually leaps out like a kid playing hide and seek in maybe one of the silliest things I’ve ever seen in an Asylum movie (and, boy, that is saying a whole lot).
Later, as Holmes investigates the origin of the dinosaur, Watson is visited by Anesidora Ivory, who has hands as cold as ice, and her uncle. He doesn’t introduce himself by name, but he looks like James Franco, so I’m just going to say he’s James Franco. They have come to procure some pain killers because James Franco’s in pretty bad shape. They convince Watson that they are not opium fiends, just that James Franco is in a great deal of pain.
Watson is pretty into Miss Ivory, which aside from her weird hairdo and her obvious villainy what with the cold hands and all, I would agree with him. She’s pretty hot. When she states her and her uncle will need to stay in London, Watson invites her to the opera. However, Sherlock totally cock blocks that idea by telling Watson he has to come to Whitechapel for their investigation.
In Whitechapel, Watson and Holmes do their little stakeout and eventually get attacked by the dinosaur roaming the East End. Holmes gets injured. The next morning, Holmes is back on his feet and ready to continue the hunt for the monsters as if nothing has happened at all.
There’s one BIG problem with this movie. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, the monsters are bad. Yeah, the guy playing Holmes sounds fakey as shit. The problem is with the Holmes character himself. He’s overly foppish. He kind of treats Watson as a second class person. However, the worst is that he seems to be too smart. Granted, I have no extensive history with Holmes, but as good as he was, he still did a lot of actual work to figure things out. He walked into a room earlier and explained, in rather fantastical detail how some poor bastard died. He then is able to tell that the inspector from Scotland Yard they’ve been working with on the destroyed ship case because he caught a very brief look at some mud on his shoes and said the mud was specific to Baker Street, and therefore he had to have followed them to the East End. He also said that the inspector had to have followed them because he told no one else that he and Watson was going to the East End again that day. So what is it? Are you insanely overly intelligent or did you just gather he waited to follow you because you didn’t tell anyone what you were doing? Anyway, you sound like a pompous fuck. That’s probably easy to do with a Sherlock Holmes story, but come on.
Not only that, but after a factory owner is killed when Holmes and Watson gets too close, he picks up a particular stone that is specific to a single castle where it is the only place in all of England that has that type of stone. You picked this off a charred body and instantly said to come to this place in a whole other town and never told Watson what the plan was until you got there in the late afternoon? You sir… You are an asshole.
The absolute worst, though, is that he deduces that the sea monster that attacked that ship in the beginning of the movie is connected to the dinosaur in the East End because they are both “equally improbable.” I mean, yes, that’s probably a safe bet, but you determined that not only they were connected but they were both manufactured and went forward with absolute certainty – which could have led to the deaths of you, Watson, and/or Inspector Lestrade – based on an absolute hunch that you kinda had to test to make sure it was right by rushing headlong into a castle??? Yes, you were correct in your hunch, but what happens if you were wrong?
Oh fuck it… The bad guy is Iron Man.
No shit. The fucking bad guy of the movie is Iron Man. Remember James Franco from earlier? That’s actually Sherlock’s estranged brother. He built a suit that becomes part of the Victorian England folk lore called “Spring-heeled Jack”. By the way… Sherlock Holmes has a brother named Mycroft. And I don’t think he had another. They never call him that once. NOT FUCKING ONCE. They just call each other “brother” or Sherlock is referred to as “Robert” (is that Sherlock’s real name – I don’t think so?). So I’m going to keep calling him James Franco (but he’s actually the guy who played Reed on Star Trek: Enterprise). It’s revealed that Miss Ivory is one of James Franco’s creations. She’s also his lover – which makes her the very first recorded instance of a fuckbot. Eat that, Japan. England got that shit done first!
Robo James Franco unleashes a robotic dragon to burn down London. Sherlock flies off to battle the creature in some sort of helicopter/hot air balloon monstrosity because… Sure. Don’t spare any cost on those effects for the dinosaurs, dragon, and hot air balloon, guys. It’s good! It doesn’t look like it was just pasted into Microsoft Paint or nuthin’!
There is still twenty minutes left and I want to slit my wrists.
So Robo James Franco flies his dragon into what I guess is the East End? I don’t fucking know. Every goddamn street in this movie looks the same. It’s got the same poor looking British fucks running around the same street with straw strewn about the sidewalks and street. What does this movie have against the hard working whores of the East End???
Anyway, Sherlock is flying his shitty balloon into the city. The dragon is flying around laying waste to some of London? Miss Ivory is calmly walking the streets to murder Queen Victoria (I guess). Watson is furiously riding a horse into London. Some hot shit is happening here. I can say one thing for sure, though. I’ve seen better special effects from random early 70s episodes of Doctor Who than in this movie and it’s entirely conceivable for an episode of Doctor Who would have had all this same stuff in it.
Watson is able to stop Miss Ivory. As it were, she was designed to be a bit of a clockwork suicide bomber. I’ll give the movie points for that, but it seems kind of stupid for an indestructible robot girl who was built to be kinda hot and totally giving you snizz on the reg to be sent to blow up herself along with the Queen. Just have her go in and shoot her. If you were going to pin everything on your former partner, Lestrade (part of the story I didn’t care to write about previously), then have her shoot the Queen and then testify it was Lestrade. Robo Franco is stopped by Sherlock ramming the dragon with the balloon.
Oh and “Robert”? Apparently Sherlock’s given name is Robert Sherlock Holmes and he doesn’t go by that because who fucking cares. After he relayed the story to his nurse, Watson dies. She goes to visit Watson’s grave. Nearby, Miss Ivory is visiting the grave of Robo James Franco. The nurse shakes her head as if to say, “Nah… That can’t be Miss Ivory.” Which of course she would because she didn’t know what Miss Ivory would have looked like exactly. At best, she would have been relying on the recollection of an old crippled man whose memory is, at best, dodgy.
Goddamn this movie was bad. The characters are not likable. It doesn’t seem beholden to anything other than the thinnest of connections to the lore of Sherlock Holmes (i.e. names… Victorian England?). It’s a series of mashups that are just ill advised. It’s like they threw Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who, Jules Vernes, and all the worst shit The Asylum does in each and every movie into a blender and turned it onto the highest setting until it became a bland mush of horsefuck.
Thank Christ I have only one more of these pieces of anal sludge left. Come back next week and I’ll dive into Inde… Independents’ Day…? The fuck does that mean? How… What? Independents’ Day? Independents… Plural? I know what Dependents are. What are Independents? I-I mean I know what it implies, but I have never used that word in a plural sense before. I’ve never seen it used that way, and I’ve never seen it turned into a possessive sense either. Independents’ Day?