After School Massacre (2014)

I’m gonna guess it doesn’t take too much to understand why I’m doing this movie, but, nonetheless, this week’s B-Movie Enema is a little 2014 “comedy” I found on Amazon Prime Video called After School Massacre.

I mean, the cover’s got the word “massacre” in the title.  There’s a bloody knife.  It’s got a shitty tagline of “Some students just don’t make the grade.”  “After school” takes me back to the cheesy, but still classic, ABC Afterschool Specials that taught me the dangers of strangers and drugs and pregnancy.  It looks like the killer committing the titular massacre is hiding under a bath towel…  Or, wait, I guess he’s under the bed.

Oh, yeah, there are also four comely women who are playing sexy girl games in various stages of undress on top of that bed the killer is hiding under.  Dude!  The action is on TOP of the bed, not UNDER it!  I don’t know much about this movie at this point, but I don’t know how smart the killer is if he’s not getting in on that action on top of the bed.

Admittedly, this is a bit of a softball lob for me to crush.  I was looking around for movies to talk about as I was prepping to return to the blog after my sabbatical and this was just dangling out there like the perfect pitch over the plate for Mark McGwire to swing away at.  It’s got all that shit all over the cover like a crappy 80s slasher flick.  It’s only 73 minutes in length.  Hot chicks.  This is gonna be an easy one to help build the catalog for the blog.  I fully admit it.

But what is this movie actually about?  Well, here’s what Amazon says: “A 12th grade European History teacher, whose minor online communication with a teasing student finds himself immediately terminated from the school grounds.  In a fit of rage, he snaps into a psychotic killing spree, terrorizing his former female students at their slumber party!”

So there you have it.  I kinda feel like writer/director Jared Masters probably was watching Slumber Party Massacre and thought to himself, “Yeah, I can do that exact thing.  And voila!  After School Massacre was slapped together and released asap.

The movie wastes no time in confirming what all us guys know to be true about all girly sleepovers – you chicks immediately strip down to your underwear, paint shit on your bodies, and dance around.  And probably make out.  And probably talk about boys.  That’s what you girls do.  Don’t deny it.  Don’t claim this is some sort of juvenile fantasy and demeaning to your feminist views or sensibilities.  Don’t give me that shit.  This movie has finally pealed back the veil and proven to us, beyond a doubt, that you guys just strip down to your panties and play sexy games with one another.  And make out.

There is one girl not pictured above who isn’t having fun in the sexy shenanigans.  She’s in the bathroom leaving a message to her boyfriend who she recently broke up with.  She’s gonna kill herself by taking an entire bottle of ibuprofen!

Apparently that works.  So, yeah…  If you want to commit suicide, kids, take, like, fifteen ibuprofens and you’re deadsville.

So after a kind of fun little opening credits portrayed as notes passed between girls in class, we get to the meat of this movie, and, oh boy, we have lots to unpack here.  First, the movie is shot like a late 90s/early 2000s porno.  It is on video and the lighting is whack.  We meet this teacher (pictured on the left) named Mr. Anderson who is in the teachers lounge (which also looks like an alley between two buildings downtown) and mad at two of our flick’s ladies coming in where they are not allowed.  One of the girls wants something back that was taken from her in his class – a beanie which indicates to me that this school as a strict “no beanie” dress code while still allowing these girls to dress like jailbait.  The girls also tease him about him stalking one of the girls online because, of course, if you don’t get what you want from your teacher, just accuse him of being a perv and stalking you online.  His reaction to this is fucking terrible.  He can’t deliver shit to an open latrine.

And that’s when it hits me, this guy is deeply Canadian.  The movie was made in the USA, but goddammit, what is it with me, this blog, and Canadian bits and bobs of horror?

So, this Anderson fella is getting teased by Devon who apparently is a “17-year-old model” who has “inappropriate profile pictures” on her social media.  After the girls leave (I have no idea what the other girl’s name was), a teacher comes in who looks like a former porn star, but surprise, surprise, she isn’t.  Anyway, she asks about the girl who killed herself or some such shit, but it’s ultimately pointless.  She does mention that she does scoliosis exams with topless girls and worries that if they thought she was gay it could ruin her career.  I’m not sure what that means or why it was needed in this movie other than to give the view the mental image of this busty blonde teacher checking over teenage girls’ spines while they were topless.

Oh, who cares…  Mr. Anderson talks to the dean and due to his extra-curricular conversations with Devon, he’s fired.  He responds by killing the dean, and then his secretary.  Jesus, this guy flipped the switch from Gronkowski to Aaron Hernandez in an instant!

There’s this pair of twins whose mom looks like another retired porn star and talks like an utter idiot that can barely read her lines over her collagen-filled lips and saline-loaded tits.  One twin has a boyfriend who is a complete fuck.  The other twin takes a shower and we get a lot of side boob and that’s kinda okay, I guess.  Also, it seems like this movie is made in a slum house in the ghetto.  There are stains all over the walls and bars on the security door on the front of the house.  Also, the bimbo mother of the twins goes out on a date with what appears to be a homeless black man.  He has dreadlocks that look more like how your hair would get matted when you sleep in a gutter.  I can speak directly to this.  It’s where I spent March of 1998 to September of 2002.

Anyway, every guy is a fucking asshole who talks about how hot every girl is in this movie.  There are conversations that start from nowhere and end less than nowhere.  Seriously, somehow the movie’s dialog goes backwards.  I’m not sure how that is possible or how that could even possibly be, but it’s true.  I know the movie says it was written and directed by Jared Masters, but I think “Jared Masters” is a pseudonym for “This Shit Is Directed By Nobody”.

Oh, and one of the twins is killed.  With a mailbox.  By the teacher guy.

Naturally there are two peeping toms who find the girls’ slumber party and watch their “dance off” because that’s what girls do at these things – again, this movie definitely peels that veil back to show what all us guys know about these parties.

I know this is supposed to be kind of a softball movie to cover super easily, but this movie is nearly unwatchable.  I once wrote about Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt for that month when I watched four movies from Full Moon Features.  That movie was only an hour long, and didn’t have much of a plot.  It was mostly whatever could happen to get hot girls to undress and fuck each other.  I mean, that’s fucking awesome and shit, but this movie almost feels just like that.  But… At least that movie only had, like, five characters.

And I knew their names.

I know only one girl’s name in this movie because it was important for a scene just before Mr. Anderson snapped.  These girls all have either blonde or light brown or highlighted hair.  They all can’t act.  They all are in their underwear.  One girl showed a boob, but she was passed out and the one boyfriend character was trying to date rape her.  That’s unfortunate that the only nipple out of a bra you get is a girl about to be raped by an utter douchebag.

The girls get a pizza and, like this attempt at a movie, it’s also pathetic.

Actually, this is pretty appropriate for this movie – you think you have something awesome inside, then you open the box and it sucks.

Of course, since this movie is probably for real aping Slumber Party Massacre, Mr. Anderson kills the pizza delivery guy.  But it’s not clever.  He just strangles him with some wires or something.  No blood.  No gore.  No anything.  While the girls eat the pizza, the one about to be date raped has a dream about the girl who killed herself at the beginning that means nothing to the extent of it being pointless.

Also, I guess heterosexual high school girls who are the embodiment of a dipshit movie maker’s desire for jailbait sex shower together:

Gee… Thanks…?

One of the girls starts making out with the douchebag boyfriend guy.  She sees Mr. Anderson outside after he killed one of the peeping toms. While you think this movie is going somewhere with all this shit.  It really isn’t.  It’s two-thirds of the way through the movie and only one of the twins, the pizza guy, a peeping tom, and a girl who only showed up at the front door to get killed constitutes the entirety of this “massacre” that is in the title.

Finally, the girl who is gonna go and get fucked by a douche gets rubbed down by Mr. Anderson and when he lets her see who it is that is attacking her, a slap fight breaks out.until he finally uses a radio to bash her head in.

However, the last girl who died, whose name I did not know, said something before Mr. Anderson attacked that makes for a disturbing bit of underbelly to this shitfest.  She said, “Hello!  I’m waiting!  Hot 17 year old ready, willing, and able!  Where are you?”  So this movie is made up of 17 year old girls who are all about drinking and sex and fucking and being sluts.  I feel like the guy who made this movie has fucked all sorts of underage girls.  It’s kind of disturbing.  This movie is basically entirely made for a pervert to live out a fantasy in which a bunch of young girls (who were likely either strippers, amateur website girls, or girls who could be taken advantage of because they would do anything to make a movie) act like underage, sex-starved vixens and let him videotape it.

While it was sorta only mentioned in a throwaway line earlier, but the douchebag boyfriend who is trying to fuck every one of these girls?  Yeah, he’s older.  Like in his 20s.  At first it seemed like a stupid joke about him looking older, but no.  When a cop comes to the house to warn the girls that their former teacher is the primary suspect (something I don’t think a uniformed policeman would be allowed to divulge to underage children), Dickfuck McDoucherson is worried he was going to jail for distributing alcohol to minors – oh, and statutory rape too.  So, I’m really beginning to think what I said previously about this being a fantasy for the director is indeed that very thing and he’s written himself into this total fuck nugget of a shit stain guy.

My sentiments exactly, sweetie.

This movie sucks.  Yeah, it’s easy to cover in this type of movie.  It’s an utter dump truck of a pile of video.  Here’s a group of 17-year olds wanting to dick tease a grown man, two of which kind of fight over him because Devon (the only whose name I know) thinks he’s hotter now that he’s a murder suspect.  I’m not gonna lie, I took a break to feed my cats and very seriously considered throwing this article away and do a different movie, but I kept going because that’s how dedicated I am to all you dear readers.

Another girl dies by being hanged in the garage.  One is drowned in a tub of water.  Another by an electric knife slitting her throat.  I still don’t know which one got which fate because they are all the exact same.

I do find out that the girl in the picture to the right is named Jess and she’s the one who actually is really “in love” with Mr. Anderson.  He attacks her and tears her shirt open and ties her hands behind her back.  He then comes back into the room without the mask and acts like he’s the hero saving her from the boyfriend douche who Mr. Anderson claims has been killing everyone.  When she doesn’t thank him by giving him a kiss, he knocks her out.  He then goes to Devon and tells her some bullshit story about how the dean killed his secretary and then she killed him before she died.  He starts to make out with Devon.  Mr. Anderson burns her in a bunch of places with a curling iron before shoving it down her throat and killing her.

The douche boyfriend finds Mr. Anderson right after killing Devon and knocks him out.  Jess runs out of the house and down the street, for some reason.  The douche tries to call 911, but gets killed with a poker by Mr. Anderson who leaves his mask with him to frame him.  The cop arrives at the house and the boyfriend’s body is found with the evidence pointing the blame on the douche.  The twins’ mom is coming home from her date with the homeless gentlemen and he is too busy making out with the weird old porn star to pay attention to driving and they hit Jess.  The last shot of the movie is Jess rolled over onto her back where she looks into the camera and says “It’s Students’ Day, bitch!”

What the fuck?  What does that mean?  What is that?  Why do I want to punch puppies?

Oh, good.  There’s bullshit happening in the credits.  So some hard ass mofo white boy is rapping at us about “Fruit on mah belly.  Fruit fruit on mah belly.”  It’s a straight up music video with behind the scenes extras of the girls dancing around in their underwear to this bullshit white boy rap.  I guess also the girl who played Devon is also apparently rapping with this fucker.

Fantastic.  I found the video on YouTube.

I fucking hated that.  I hated this movie.  Also, apparently the movie was supposed to be called Teachers Day, but they changed it to After School Massacre.  I have a little piece of advice for the fuckers who made this movie.  If your final line in the movie is dependent on a title that has been changed to something else – remove the final line.  It makes for a lot less confusion by internet bloggers watching your shit movie.
I will say one thing that is fucking amazing, though.
So in the video above, and prominently featured on the cover art, and also the girl who talks about being a ready, willing, and able 17 year old is the brunette Yasmine Soofi.  She is grinding against white boy’s cock at one point in the “Fruit On My Belly” video.  She’s the one I’m pointing to in this picture:
Yeah, her.  She’s not listed in the cast for this movie on IMDb.  No shit.  She’s featured in the cast and has a relatively large part.  It makes me wonder if she somehow was able to successfully disown this movie on her IMDb page.  She has a page.  It doesn’t list this movie.  Nor does the movie’s page list her.  I have a ton more respect for her now.  Well, except for the grinding against a fucking poser white boy rapper.
Bruce Kade, the guy who played Mr. Anderson (who at times kinda looked like a psychotic Zak Bagans) was also uncredited despite having perhaps the biggest role of the movie.  Did he ask not to be credited so as to not make him look like a guy out after that 17 year old puss?  Methinks I would not want this movie on my resume.
Whatever, I’m done with this shitty flick.  This movie is in direct competition with Pot Zombies for worst movie I’ve ever covered on this blog.  It’s bad.  Don’t be lured in by sorta naked girls on the poster.  You’re just going to hate yourself afterwards.
See you next week for the 1990 horror/monster film The Suckling.  Ironically, I expect the movie to suck less than After School Massacre.

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