Oh no… I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.
This… is Kung Fu Brother. You know you’re in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb’s cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot. Continue reading “Kung Fu Brother (2016)”
Cold Steel on the outside… ALL woman on the inside!
Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas. Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals – they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market. I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!
HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ! LADIES AND GUNS! WOOHOO!
Ahem… Sorry, everyone. Not sure what got into me there. Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action. I mean, why not? Let’s turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!? Continue reading “Policewomen (1974)”
Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?
Why, it’s Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil’s Express! Where do I start with this one? I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy. There’s a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other. We have the not one, but TWO taglines – “50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!” and “Take the Express train to TERROR!!!” Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.
But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster. Mr. Warhawk Tanzania! That’s a fucking name and a half, ain’t it? Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that – 1) he’s gonna kick ass and 2) he ain’t gonna take no jive from anybody no how. Continue reading “Devil’s Express (1976)”
Aw shit yeah octagons.
They tell us to stop our cars. They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments. They have eight, count ’em EIGHT, sides. You know why octagons are so fuckin’ badass?
Because they ain’t no squares, that’s why.
Then there’s Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom – because there is no protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice. They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn’t take shit from anybody. The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN. Continue reading “The Octagon (1980)”