The Lost Empire (1984)

Jim Wynorski returns to B-Movie Enema this week.  And, to be completely and totally fair with everyone, I’m a bit of a fan.  I don’t think it takes too much to understand why.  Sure, he’s worked with Roger Corman on some of Corman’s less memorable 80s fare, but not only will Wynorski bring the camp and the fun…

He also brings the babes.

That’s exactly what we have here for you this week.  The Lost Empire is a 1984 fantasy action movie with a lot of boobs and bullets and bo-blosions!  This is what Andy Sedaris could be if he had the opportunity to release movies in theaters instead of late night Cinemax.  

Not only did the man bring B-Movie Enema Award Winner for Boobtacular Shenanigans™ Screwballs, but he also made a movie that I watched a ton in my early teenage years, Transylvania Twist, but he also did movies like Chopping Mall, The Return of Swamp Thing, and about four million other movies that I could focus on in this blog.  In fact, I could probably have an entire spinoff blog just for Jim Wynorski movies.  (And you better believe someday I will be talking about Chopping Mall and The Return of Swamp Thing, but you will just have to wait for that business.)

But let’s talk about chicks, man.  This movie stars Melanie Vincz, Raven De La Croix (who had a brief cameo in Screwballs), and Angela Aames.  I’m not entirely sure if I’m a great judge of their acting talents, but holy goddamn are they hot to look at.  They have tits all over the place and they often wear clothes that feel like could just, like, I dunno, fall off at any moment.  I mean…  That’s…  That’s pretty great.

Let’s quit fuckin’ about and lets dive into the Jim Wynorski masterpiece…  The Lost Empire!

Okay, so the movie starts in a way that I really appreciate…  You know how James Bond movies begin with the circles moving across the screen and then it opens up to what appears to be a sight or gun barrel before Bond like shoots you in the fucking face?  This movie starts the same way but it then focuses in on some fucking titties!  I’d say we’re off to a good start.

So these ninjas in a Chinatown jewelry store show up to steal some jewels found in an ancient statue thing.  I’m not sure if that has anything to do with that chick’s boobs, but whatever.  We have an opening with ancient statues, ninjas, and boobs.  This movie cannot be stopped and could never be topped.  But yet it can…  The ninjas toss a throwing star into the back of the old man store owner’s head!

The cops show up and they take out a couple of the ninjas.  The ninjas also take out a couple of the cops.  The final ninja stabs the final cop before being killed by said cop.  We go into the credits with a soundtrack that kinda sounds like John Carpenter synthesizer music.  That’s because it’s Alan Howarth who has done a shit ton of collaborations with Carpenter.  As the credits end, we learn more about the jewels the ninjas were after.  There was a civilization long ago called the Lemurians.  They put all their super secret super science stuff into jewels called the Eyes of the Avatar.  Basically, whoever can bring together all these jewels will have super awesome powers and junk.

But I digress…

Turns out this cop, played by Phantasm’s Bill Thornbury (last seen in Summer School Teachers – small world!), has a badass sister cop who is also incredibly hot.  She’s introduced like… I dunno… Darth Vader riding her motorcycle in all black leather and a scary black helmet.  I know I’ve seen this movie before, so I know who this biker is, but, if you look closely at every curve and every shapely angle of that biker’s sexy, sexy leather-clad body, you know it’s a really hot chick.  She also takes down some bad dudes holding kids hostage in a school like she’s fucking Rambo.

Movie, you had me at James Bond parody opening revealing a big set of titty cleavage, but now you’re just sweetening the pot.

This is Angel Wolfe (Vincz).  She goes to see her brother and he babels on about the devil existing and hands her one of the throwing stars the ninjas were using the night before.  Angel’s boyfriend, some mustachioed man in the FBI tells her all about how this guy named Lee Chuck (…sure) sold his soul to the devil some two hundred years ago or some such shit (…also sure).  Apparently this throwing star is unique to Lee Chuck’s goons?  I dunno.  It doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that Angel needs to round up some hot chicks and they need to get over to Lee Chuck’s island and fuck him up.

That is exactly what happens, but I’m kind of getting ahead of myself a little bit.

Angel goes and checks out that Chinatown jewelry store.  One of the Eyes of the Avatar, like, flies out of the ancient statue thing and into her purse or something?  She also meets this old Chinese man and goes out to get some Chinese food from the ol’ China King to get some crab rangoons and spring rolls.  This was a thing that was seen time and time again in movies from about, say, 1983-1987 – Chinese food being a destination thing for people in a movie.  Today, we eat Chinese food all over the fucking place.  You can’t get ripped and go on a crazy ass drunken rampage in your Ford Escort without running into a Chinese food restaurant.  But in the 80s?  That was hot shit to get a corner booth in a restaurant and eat.  If you knew how to use chopsticks, even better.

Anyway…

If this is recruitment, then send me on the next mission, please.

This old Chinese man tells Angel and her boyfriend about Lee Chuck and the Eyes of the Avatar and stuff.  Later that night, she finds out her brother has died.  Now, more than ever, Angel wants to take down this motherfucker for killing Jody from Phantasm.  Her boyfriend says the only way she can get on the island is for her to be accepted in a group of three.  I don’t really understand why this is the case, but it just makes for a perfect reason to have three hot chicks in the movie instead of just one.  She first goes to pick up her friend, Whitestar (De La Croix), who literally shows up in a tiny ass tassel outfit on a white horse out of fucking nowhere like magic.  They go get their third, Heather, a criminal Angel promises parole for helping them, and they’re off to this mystical island to fight some ancient evil thing.

I should point out a couple things.  The movie is a brisk 80 minutes, but it doesn’t gloss over opportunities to see our ladies doing sexy fighting.  After Angel explains the situation to Whitestar, they fight off a couple guys who plan on raping them.  When they go get Heather, they watch her do some brawlin’ with another inmate in jail who is wearing some dominatrix leathers and calls herself “Whiplash”.

Additionally, this movie has more D’s in it than the word dunderheaded.  (BTW – that’s a real fucking word.  I don’t make shit up on this blog.)

Seriously, I’m positive each of these girls are more than DD’s each.

Okay, so here’s the deal with this island.  Apparently, the island that they are going to uses the cover of being some spiritual place for study and meditation and stuff, but everyone has guns and they look like guards, and the guy who met the girls when they loaded the plane looked like a bald weirdo bad guy with big bushy eyebrows.  He mentioned that this spiritual leader, Sin Do, would issue weapons on his own discretion.  When they get to the island, the bald weirdo tells the girls to give up all their belongings, including their clothing (…of course), and they are issued uniforms and ordered around like prisoners and/or slaves.  They are then put into tubes and strapped down to chairs and a bunch of weird science shit is done to them.

But I guess that’s all normal relaxation and meditation practice or whatever.

When Angel got on the plane, she accidentally left her purse behind.  At her boyfriend’s house, the jewel thing that flew into the purse starts glowing and speaking to him.  He realizes that Angel is in trouble and he should probably go to her and help them out and shit.

The girls are shown their living spaces.  I guess the place looks pretty nice.  I mean, it’s got a nice looking full size bed.  The walls are a nice, relaxing pinkish coral type of color.  Maybe they are being treated as prisoners, but they at least have a fairly decent room to sleep in.  However, the rooms do have a bit of a spider problem.  I’m guessing the people on the island can kinda sniff out that Angel is trouble (or, worse, a cop who is on a revenge mission), so they stick a tarantula into the room with her.  Now, I ain’t no fan of spiders.  I’m really rather arachnophobic, but holy shit I do envy that tarantula for getting to crawl all over Angel’s body and up her boob and stuff.  Good on that spider for getting a little action with its eight legs.

Oh… oh no.

Yikes…

Oh my god.

Okay.  Well, I guess 1) that spider problem is handled, and 2) I no longer want to be that spider.

The next morning, the girls begin some sort of training.  It’s basically just for hot chicks in various degrees of tiny loincloth like bikinis and one pieces to do various athletic things.  They are running around, kicking things, karate chopping things, and running around with their boobs a-floppin’ about.  The girls decide maybe they should, you know, investigate the island.  Whitestar beats up a couple guards and dresses like one of them, but, pretty much immediately, everyone knows some stuff is going on.  While Whitestar is avoiding detection, she comes across a girl who’s been on the island for seven long months, Cindy.

Cindy explains that she came to play these games…  That brings up a good point.  First, Cindy is definitely Linda Shayne from Humanoids from the Deep and Screwballs, so… awesome!  I’m a fan of Linda Shayne.  I find her spunky and cute!  Second, they keep talking about games.  They are training for what appears to be athletic competition, but I thought this was some sort of place for centering chi and shit?  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.  Cindy explains that she lost the competition, whatever that may be, and she was going to be sold to some “rich Arab”.  Okay.  So the girls who don’t win are sold as harem girls or whatever to the highest bidder.  She also says they brainwash the girls in some other ominous building on the island, but it didn’t take with her.  Whitestar plans to help her, but the guards find her first and take her back to her cell.

The next day, the girls are back to doing training or they are competing or something.  Sin Do, watching from some control room, takes a shine to Whitestar.  Before we can see Sin Do take Whitestar, it’s time for some swordplay in some hot Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie.  Angel competes in a duel to the death some some hooded guy in a leather diaper.  She stabs him through the fucking face.  Sin Do isn’t a big fan of those shenanigans and proclaims that Angel will need to be watched carefully.

That night, Sin Do invites Whitestar to dinner.  And how should one dress for dinner with the great and powerful Sin Do?  In a giant furry bra.  Yeah, that should do it.

Now…  Did she pack that fuzzy bra?  Is that some sort of Native American swan-feathered formal attire?  Would those fuzzies or feathers or whatever they are fall off and get into her food?  Does that get warm when she wears it?  Did Jim Wynorski get to keep that thing after production wrapped?  If not…  Does someone own it?  Is it prized and treasured?  I want to know everything about that thing.

Anyway, while Angel and Heather sneak about the island, Whitestar has dinner with Sin Do.  He says she’s earned the right to stay at his side.  He promises great wealth and power.  He throws open his robe and tells her to behold and some smoke comes out and then she’s topless and a snake is crawling all over her.  I’m not sure what happened.  I am sure, though, that Sin Do (and, spoiler, Lee Chuck) is played by the Tall Man himself, Angus Scrimm, and that’s awesome.

Sin Do tells the girls he’s been trying to figure out who’s been sneaking around his island and defiling shit and stuff.  It turns out to be Angel’s boyfriend, but that also means Sin Do now has the Eyes of the Avatar.  And that’s bad news.

Whitestar comes back with the other prisoner girls from previous groups that came to the island and all hell breaks loose.  People are fighting.  Girls are clawing eyes and shit.  It’s bonkers.  I am a bit conflicted because Whitestar has retrieved her white fuzzy bra.  I kinda thought she might run about topless for the rest of the movie like she was when she came to and rejoined the fray, but I really am fascinated by that fuzzy bra.

What I am not conflicted about is the final showdown between Sin Do/Lee Chuck and Angel.  So they trade bad one liners and barbs.  He throws a spear at her and she dodges it.  She stabs him with that same spear and it does nothing because he’s a big dick, head cheese bad guy.  But when she punches him, his face, like, breaks apart and he pulls off his Angus Scrimm face to reveal a bitchin’ skull face underneath!  Fuckin’ eat your heart out, Skeletor!

But that ain’t all, dear readers…

So in order to remain immortal, Lee Chuck has to kill someone every 24 hours.  No matter how many people he kills in one day, he still has to kill again the next.  The clock is running short for him on this day, so he plans to kill Angel and reclaim his immortality so he can use the Eyes of the Avatar to build the super weapon to rule the world.  I know that sounds really iffy and convoluted, but, trust me, this is mostly a titty movie and it all ultimately makes sense.  Anyway, how does he plan to kill Angel?

With a giant dick laser cannon.

Is that your giant laser dick cannon or are you just happy to see me?

Lucky for Angel, Cindy comes in to do in Lee Chuck, but that only serves to get her killed.  Angel’s boyfriend comes in and chops his head off.  But he just claimed Cindy’s soul.  So is he immortal still?  His severed head still talks and stuff, but the floor opens up and the devil claims Lee Chuck’s head because I guess he didn’t get to be immortal after all?

Angel and her boyfriend just give the whole situation a confused look as if to say, “Gee, Mr. Wynorski, I dunno.  I thought this was mostly an excuse to have a bunch of tits flopping around, but I think you might have kinda written yourself into a corner.”

Oh fuck it.  It don’t matter one bit.  Lee Chuck is… dead?  Everyone is free, except for Cindy – she’s dead as fuck.  This one dickhead cop that has some beef with Angel, but also a member of Lee Chuck’s cult or something, gets his comeuppance.  The dick laser eventually goes nuts (snicker) and the whole place goes up in smoke.

This movie is really silly and kinda dumb, but in all the awesomest ways possible.  It’s kind of played really cheeky, and I don’t mean that like we see lots of boob and butt cheeks, but in the classic sense.  The heroines never once take anything serious and that might wear on some, but it’s all in good fun.  It’s a handful of really hot chicks dropped into an utterly ridiculous situation of mysticism and shit.  It’s a fun watch and if you can get your hands on a copy or if you can get a way for your eyeballs to view it, do it.

Just don’t ask for Shakespeare.  But do ask for a fuzzy bra loaded with big ol’ boobies…

Next week, come back here for a star-studded flick from the magical year 1993.  I’ll be watching Ticks starring Clint Howard, Seth Green, and Ami Dolenz!

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