Prisoner of Paradise (1980)

Howdy Enemaniacs!  Welcome back to the third feature in this month’s Blue March theme – Prisoner of Paradise!

For this entry, we’re bringing back a couple returning items.  First, big daddy John Holmes is returning after taking a bow (among other things) in Dracula Sucks.  We also travel back into the wild blue yonder of Nazisploitation – and I bet you are all real excited about that.

But, let me just say, you people are sick.   You know how I know this?  I know my blog’s stats.  I know them well, I do.  If I look at the top viewed posts, all FIVE of the movies marked with the “nazisploitation” tag rank in the top 13 posts.  Then, on top of that, Dracula Sucks, the other released adult movie I’ve covered on this blog, also ranks in the top 10.  The most viewed post at the time of this writing?  The Lost Empire which has tits flopping all over the place in it.

Jeezus Jumpin’ Jeebs, you guys have issues.  But don’t ever let it be said I don’t give the people what they want.  So, here…  A Nazi porno flick with John Holmes’ big hog.

In this movie, ol’ Johnny Waddsworth plays an American G.I. who gets shipwrecked on a beautiful tropical island.  Soon, he discovers a Nazi outpost where an American nurse has been kidnapped and kept.  He’s all kinds of determined to save her while I’m sure she’s all kinds of determined to get that huge D right into her sweaty P.

Yeah, that’s what I typed.  Seriously, why mince words here?  This is my third consecutive porno flick.  There’s only one reason for this all happening – so John Holmes can put his massive dick into this lady’s pusslebits.

So let’s get to it, shall we?  The movie begins with John Holmes riding his giant buoyant cock onto the deserted island…

Wait…  That might be a raft, but I can’t really say for sure.  I’ve heard that thing can seat like 7 big busty blondes comfortably.  Anyway, we learn how he got in this situation – he was on a boat that got torpedoed and he was blown clear of the ship.  He finds a footlocker with some items to help him, particularly items for safety like a machete, and twine to help with shelter.  He has some flashbacks to his time in China where he met his lover.  She begs him to stay, but he proclaims his love for her.  They make love.

Because of course they did.  I mean this isn’t a movie about a stranded World War II naval officer fighting Nazis.  It’s… Wait.  Well, it is about a stranded World War II naval officer fighting Nazis, but it also happens to be a porno.

So after he fondly remembers splitting that poor Chinese girl in two while fingering her butthole, Johnny Holmes realizes that, oh fuck, he’s on a shitty deserted island.  He does some work, gathering coconuts, takes a shower in the waterfall, sits around…  You know, deserted island stuff.  He daydreams again about the day he had to leave his pretty girlfriend and the special gift she gave him for luck. No, not THAT thing she gave him, but this little charm.

As he walks to the base, the place gets attacked.  Bombs are everywhere, shit is blowing up, and things are in bad shape.  So much so, his beloved Sue Lee is killed in the attack.  We get some legitimate acting from Holmes.  He cries over her death.  When we see him on the island remembering her, he’s legit upset, eyes red from tears.  It’s actually pretty good stuff.  Adult actors back then actually, you know, had to act?  These older movies are not set piece to set piece to set up dumb scenarios.  Like these shit had a little bit of substance.

As Joe, that’s Holmes’ name in this, continues to make the island his home and get accustomed to fishing, eating nasty ass coconuts, he realizes he’s not alone.  No, there are some naked babes frolicking in a waterfall.  He follows them back to a camp, and, oh shit…  He’s clearly stumbled onto the set of the most recent Ilsa movie – Ilsa, She-Phantom of the Paradise!  He continues peeking about.  He also sees a female Japanese soldier too.  So this is some sort of German-Japanese co-habitation business here.

The Japanese girl checks in on two captive nurses.  Hans, the head of the camp, and his two hot babe officers, as seen above, want to play around with a captive nurse, Gloria.  The guard girls bring Gloria in and when she’s not so keen on Hans fucking about with her, the guard girls, one naturally named Ilsa and the other Greta, basically torture her by slapping her face while eating her out.  This is what I like to call sexy torture.  Not because I think it would be sexy to have it done to me, fuck no, but that I enjoy watching it.

Oh god.  I’ve said too much already.

Joe goes in to help free the other captive nurse, Carol.  He learns there are only the four bad guys there.  Joe finds some gasoline and decides to start a fire to draw out the bad guys so he can save Gloria.  He’s able to get the girls out and away from the camp.  Unfortunately, when the girls had to stop and rest, Ilsa, Greta, and Suke capture them again.

Now, Joe is brought back to Hans and Ilsa and Greta search him for a weapon.  And lordy do they find something lethal in his pants…

Hans believes Joe was sent there to destroy the four person camp.  He says they were simply a bonus that he really was a lone survivor left adrift after his ship sunk.  Of course, we know how he’s going to destroy this camp.

With his diiiiiick.

Ilsa and Greta are a couple horny German bitches.  They clearly saw the sausage he was packing, and want to try it out.  So they force Joe to go down on Greta which… Goddamn…  That’s a punishment?!?  Oh it only gets worse from there, Ilsa wants him to fuck her too.  These chicks are smoking hot.  I don’t care that they are playing Nazis, this is good stuff.  You got Ilsa (Seka) taking Johnny Holmes while Greta (Sue Carol) gets herself off with the handle of her Luger while Suke (Jade Wong) humps her rifle.  I… I am a fan.  This is truly, legitimately erotic.  We’ve, heh, peaked, no pun intended, right dead center of Blue March.  Bravo!

“Try not to look too turned on by torture sex… Oh god try not to look too turned on by torture sex!”

Because John Holmes has a super awesome penis, Suke seems to take a shine to him – even going so far as to trying to feed him.  Joe figures this is something they might be able to use to their advantage.  A little later, Hans has Joe and Carol brought to his bunker to watch her suck him off for a little bit.  When he gets bored with that, he has the three girls go at it.  After Hans gets tired of watching Ilsa and Greta play with Carol, he decides he wants to watch Joe fuck Carol.  If he doesn’t, she’ll die.

I actually have to say that I’m appreciative of Joe apologizing to Carol before starting.  That felt almost real.  I’m not sure if that was scripted or not, but it seemed legitimately sympathetic.  I mentioned it before how these older erotic films had substance.  There were stories, and need for actual acting beyond finding a bad way to say something punny to get a girl to strip her clothes off.  John Holmes was a legitimate actor.

Joe is taken back to the makeshift cell by Suke who decides she wants to fuck him.  Joe goes for this in a big way and is reminded of his dead Sue Lee.  I mean Sue Lee is Chinese and Suke is Japanese, but who’s keeping track of that shit when you’re at a prison love camp situation, right guys?

But whatever, Greta brings Carol back to the cell and she’s none too happy with the way Hans and Ilsa treated her.  In fact, she’s actually in love with Carol.  When she kisses Carol after getting her some water, Ilsa storms in angrily.  Realizing Greta may be misbehaving to the point that will be dangerous to their Nazi shenanigans, she slaps Greta.  She is going to shoot her too, but Suke takes the bullet for her and dies.  When Joe shoots at the fleeing Ilsa, it causes the main bunker to catch on fire and kills Hans, Ilsa, and Greta (who ran to try to help Ilsa like a real dumb Nazi).  So all the bad guys die in, like, 30 seconds and Joe, Carol, and Greta are free.  Like no shit, the entire camp, albeit only four people, but still an entire camp of bad guys, all die in 30 seconds.  Bravo!

We find out that they, along with their five children, were saved three years later.

This is probably in the running for one of the shortest B-Movie Enema articles ever, and I really don’t have anything to say about this movie beyond what I already wrote.  Maybe I can say more specifically that this is a nice little movie.  It gives you something to be turned on by, but also has moments for all the actors to shine.  It’s a very brisk 78 minutes, but it cooks in all the right ways.  I have to say I appreciated this little easy breezy Nazisploitation porno movie.

Alright, so, wow…  I’m already done for this week.  I don’t doubt the next two will be pretty brisk too before I get back to more mainstream fair in April.  Next week, I will be featuring the first of two Asian-themed erotic flicks.  Come back next week for The Vixens of Kung Fu!

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