The Vixens of Kung Fu (1975)

We’ve got two more weeks for Blue March and you know what we need?  A vacation.  Let’s head out to the mystical Orient to get some eastern eroticism.

We start by first checking in with The Vixens of Kung Fu.

Gee.  I wonder why this one appeals to me.  Vixens.  Kung Fu.  Yup, the math checks out.  But it’s not only that, but it also has some sweet, sweet revenge.  The movie is about a young prostitute getting brutally assaulted.  She runs away and finds a secret group of hot ass kung fu masters.  They train her and she gets her revenge all in a real tidy 70-minute package.  

Gosh, between last week’s Prisoner of Paradise and this week’s The Vixens of Kung Fu, these articles would equal a normal length B-Movie Enema piece.  So, to help pad this out a bit, let me talk briefly about director Bill Milling.  He is the man being both this week’s movie and next week’s.  He made some adult movies early in his career, all under pseudonyms.  He would later work on some other b-movies and sleaze like Nightmare and Caged Fury.  However, later, he got some work as a production manager working on hit shows like Mad About You and mainstream movies like 54 and Resident Evil: Retribution.

This is a case of something that was seen a lot back in earlier erotic films – legitimate filmmakers and writers working in the porn industry under different names while they were in between jobs.  There were definitely straight adult movie filmmakers like Gail Palmer and Bob Chinn who made Prisoner of Paradise, but there were some legit Hollywood types working for paychecks until their next mainstream job came along.  Of course, nowadays, all adult filmmakers work specifically in the adult movie business.  Every now and then you get someone who can cross over like a Ron Jeremy, but he’s also more of an actor than a production person.

Also, this movie is gonna be a tough one to write about.  The IMDb page doesn’t show character names.  They are all given some sort of descriptor instead, but I will do my goddamnedest to follow along.

Our movie begins, we get a little lesson about Yin and Yang as it pertains to women and men.  *shrugs*  Okay.  Anyway, a girl is walking through a field and somehow stumbles upon Ispitonyourgravesville where a few guys who might be camping or hunting or possibly just walking around with guns and shit come upon her.  One guy is a giggling mess of a creep.  One of the guys is Jamie Gillis who was Dracula in Dracula Sucks.  So, there’s that.  But the girl slips away from the creeps and the giggler shoots her as she runs away.

This entire scene is overdubbed almost like how Zombie 90 is.  If you don’t know what that is, here’s a clip:

Yeah.  It’s a bit off-putting isn’t it?

Alright, so even though the giggler creep had actual bullets in his pistol that he fired at the girl, she is not killed when she gets shot.  No, it was overdubbed that they were tranquilizers.  *shrugs* Okay.  Then they decide to rape her.

*double shrugs*

I know.  I know.  I probably should be somewhat unsettled by this girl just minding her own business and all of a sudden gets shot and raped by three creeps while jaunty country hee haw fiddlin’ music plays, but I dunno.  First, I suspect these guys will get the shit kicked out of them by a Kung Fu Vixen.  Second, the overdub and the soundtrack is so stupid I think I’m dead inside now.

Also, wait.  Isn’t this girl a prostitute?  That’s what the back of the box AND IMDb told me.  There was no in-story reveal that she is a prostitute.  I expected this to start in a city, you know, where prostitutes live and work?  This is on some guy’s farm.  Or worse, it might be a public park where this takes place.  What the fuck is going on?

Well, here’s what I do know is happening.  This movie is like 70 minutes long, and 15 of those minutes are already gone to this goofy rape scene with some of the most insane overdub and soundtrack ever.  I mean I should be happy that I only have 55 more minutes left, but goddamn this was some cockamamie bullfuck out of the gate.

Gentle readers, this one is gonna be rough I think.

At least we finally meet our Vixens of Kung Fu.  The leader, who, again, there is no fucking character name in this, just sits in the center of her disciples and talks about Yin Yang whatever.  She finds our victimized lead prostitute on the beach and brings her in to help her by giving her a rubdown with oil and kissing her nipples and shit.

Wait…  Wait…  Hold your fucking horses here.  Why is she on the beach?  She was in a field when those guys got her.  Did they take her to the beach?  I understand why she was naked.  She was naked when the guys did shit to her.  Even the Vixens of Kung Fu are like doing their meditating and shit in a field.

On top of that, Head Vixen says, “So how long have you been in New York?”  What?  What?  She was on a beach in what looks like motherfucking California.  Sure, that field could be anywhere, so even if you weren’t filming in New York, just stay in the goddamn field!  Fuck!

But fine.  Whatever.  You’re in New York.  Sure.  Kung Fu Vixens just chillin’ in a field in New York.  Prostitutes found on California Beach, NY.  Okay.  Sure.

Ugh.

Well, at least we learn that this girl is, indeed, a prostitute.  She heard she can make some good money in New York, so she left school and went there and fucks a bunch of guys.  Black dudes, mustachio’d dudes, blonde dudes, whatever.  She’s down.  She doesn’t feel good about her lot in life.  She gets down – particularly when the guy just throws money on her body after they use her and spunk everywhere.  Like EVERYWHERE.

She was trying to get away from it all, the hunters came (heh… no pun intended), and it destroyed all her confidence in being able to create a new life for herself.  It’s a good thing this Head Vixen is there to make out with her and caress her titties and stuff because I’m sure that makes her feel a little better.

Oh motherfucker…  Okay, Head Vixen tells Prostitute that the hunters who attacked her were from the “upper society” and they hunt the people from “lower society” with a weapon they call the “gun of anesthesia”.  So suddenly, I guess I’m watching Elysium, now?  Upper Society?  Lower Society?  Gun of Anesthesia?

Whatever, just make the girls make out again.

There ya go.

I guess the Vixens of Kung Fu are gonna do a couple things here.  First, Head Vixen is gonna totally fuck Prosty.  Second, I guess they are going to teach Prosty the ways of the kung fu to get some revenge on those dudes from the high society.

Swell.  Let’s get to that shit because, so far, there’s been 30 minutes on bad dialog, bad soundtrack, crappy fucking, and a whole lotta dingalingadoodad monkey fuck in this movie so far.

Just when I thought I’d have to spend the next 40 minutes of this movie watching these Kung Fu broads do nude yoga, something amazing happens.  One of the girls is doing her breathing exercises and shit and suddenly smoke starts billowing out of her lady folds while the soundtrack makes sounds like my colon does about 30 seconds after eating Taco Bell!

I really don’t know how to explain this.  Like they had these poor naked girls sit on, I dunno, incense or dry ice or a fucking firecracker and make the smoke look like it is coming from their vaginas.  They just keep going back to each individual girl for their smokey queef.  It’s mind-boggling.  It also makes it look like they are wafting the smokey queefs into their face too.  Un-goddamn-believable.

I suppose there are a handful of Kung Fu Vixens but they only show no more than four at any one time.  There were four blondes earlier, then they traded one out for Prosty who is a brunette.  Now Head Vixen is getting the sex from this chick with either short dark brown hair or a wig on, I dunno.  The point is, I don’t think they could afford craft services for more than four girls – or shit, four PEOPLE of any sex – at one time.

At the very beginning we saw a man in like a traditional Chinese outfit with the big rice paddy hat and everything wondering around.  Now he shows up to watch these chicks do it in this field.  Head Vixen kinda yells at him to stop and explain himself, but c’mon, lady…  You’re just doing it out in a field where anyone, literally anyone, could wander by and see.  But whatevs.  He is supposed to be the like the Yin or the Yang to the Kung Fu Vixens, but mostly, I’m frustrated and confused.

I think it is mostly for the chick with the dark hair that was just getting laid to fight naked for “everyone’s” “enjoyment”.  I use quotes because it’s not so enjoyable seeing how it is cut like cocaine literally sprang to life and got a job as an editor in the most seedy porn production company it could find.  Additionally, this is not for everyone.  What is this movie?  It’s cheap as fuck and it’s nonsensical.

Seriously, I’ve seen Godfrey Ho movies that make more fucking sense than this movie.  Even for a porno that aren’t usually well known for making a great deal of sense, this movie is a goddamn disaster.

When the guy gets defeated by the Kung Fu Vixens, he’s fucked by them.  Head Vixen decides he’s of no use to them because… Well, I’m not sure why.  So this dude decides he needs to know more about the art of kung fu.  Where does he go?  To a Chinese restaurant to ask the chef, that apparently knows more than anyone else, if she can teach him. I shit you not…  He goes to a Chinese restaurant to ask the chef to teach him the kung fu.

Like any good kung fu movie, we now have montages.  This is going to be some sort of Yin Yang thing.  Both the girls and the guy are training.  Oftentimes naked.  The guy even trains how to stroke it right.

Again, I ask, what the fuck is this movie?  Is this a Kung Fu Vixens Vs. Kung Fu Man movie?  Is this some sort of social class war between the upper and lower classes as stated earlier in this movie?  Why am I finding myself fast forwarding through a 70-goddamn-minute movie?

Who am I supposed to be rooting for?  Why is it every time I expect revenge, I get bullshit?  When are those creeps from earlier going to get their dicks cut off in a bathtub?  Why am I not watching I Spit on Your Grave?

Goddammit they can’t even do the YMCA right!

So the wandering Kung Fu Man faces off against Prosty – because this is the fight we were wanting and expecting after she got raped by the monster dudes earlier.  But do they do kung fu?  No.  They do some poses at each other and she does a tumble over to him and starts sucking his dick.

I hate this movie.

I don’t want to hate this movie.  I really wanted to like this.  Seriously.  Kung fu in a porn movie?  Revenge after rape?  Porn with kung fu in it?  Yes and more yes!  This sounded fun.  Then it was only 70 minutes to boot?  Fan-fucking-tastic.  This is the shit that should cook and get right to the point and have lots of punching and kicking and fucking!  It didn’t do any of it right though.

This is like if a 15 year old kid wrote a book on sensuality after stumbling upon his dad’s stash of Adam & Eve and Swank mags.

You know what’s the worst thing about this movie?  It sets up this whole idea that we’re gonna see these motherfuckers at the beginning who raped this girl get their comeuppance and how they are part of this elite society that gets away with this shit constantly because they are upper class people.  I expected at least one of those guys to get some bad shit happen to him.  Rip his heart out of his chest!  Rip his dick off!  No.  Nothing.  It forgot its entire thesis statement.  That is unforgivable.

What’s even worse is that I still have another movie coming next week about Asian slave ring of women who are made to do unspeakable things in forced prostitution.  At least when I wrap up next week, I’m done for a little while on these blue movies.  So, yeah… I guess I’ll see ya all next week for Oriental Blue!

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