Man… Now that I’ve survived Asylum Month, I’m not sure I can contain my excitement. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if I could carry on with anything other than sitting around a living room littered with empty pizza boxes while I go unshaven and unbathed and gorging myself on ice cream straight from the container.
However, the darkness parted and here we are – June. I’ve survived the darkest month of my life since I resurrected this blog a little over a year ago and I’m ready to celebrate. So! I bring to you the start of a summer full of anniversaries! Starting this week until the end of August, I’ll be shifting my focus not only on movies that are celebrating some sort of anniversary ending with either a 0 or a 5, but I’m also getting back to basics. Shitty movies that bring the simplest of pleasures – monsters, shitty stories, titties, dumbness, and a few halfway decent things mixed in. We start with this week’s movie – Piranha DD (or Piranha 3DD if you saw it on the big screen with 3D glasses to make dem dubba d’s leap off the screen and practically motorboat themselves on your face) which celebrates the fifth anniversary since its release this upcoming week. Continue reading “Piranha DD (2012)”
The Asylum Month thankfully comes to a close as we look at another dumb titled movie that is meant to capitalize off dumb fuckshit people willing to rent absolutely anything from Family Video to dumb down their fuckface brains and think they “done seen that one movie that came out last week at the video store!”
Fuck. I’m angry. The world is shit. Everything good and right in this world sucks donkey balls. The Asylum has sucked the soul out of me. I’m not exactly sure how to go on after a month of giant spiders fighting army chicks, a shitty Sherlock Holmes, and the worst fucking movie I’ve ever laid eyes on. Now this. Now this dumb fucking movie with a dumb fucking title… Continue reading “Independents’ Day (2016)”
Oh boy… After last week’s utter debacle, I could certainly use a little British classiness to bounce back. Too bad it’s still an Asylum fuckfest abortion.
Sherlock Holmes, as a character, first appeared in print in 1887 and was an immediate success for author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I could spend a long time giving you more history about the character being one of the most famous detectives in all of history, and how many books he was in, and what have you, but I’ll save that for Wikipedia to tell you all about. Continue reading “Sherlock Holmes (2010)”
Round 2 of my month long battle against The Asylum, makers of crap and shit that I disdain since, like, I dunno… 2004 or something. I don’t care how long they’ve been at this. This time, I have a real offensive one: Atlantic Rim.
This is an instance where The Asylum simply took the title to a movie coming out (i.e. Pacific Rim), and modified it only slightly to give it a new title that cannot lead to a lawsuit against them, but, yet, still keep some sort of visual similarity to the movie it is ripping off. Continue reading “Atlantic Rim (2013)”
Okie doke. It’s the end of March. It’s also the point to which I have to take a break from all these Amazon Prime horror movies. I wish I could say that Prime is the gift that keeps on giving, but man… Each one of these is like I’m gambling.
Like I’m flopping my dickbag onto a little guillotine and then betting on Black on a Roulette wheel and hoping it doesn’t land on Red. And if it lands on one of the green spots, well… I don’t think I need to go into too much detail about where they’ll shove my newly severed saddle bag.
In my butt. That’s where they’ll shove it. Continue reading “Clinger (2015)”
I continue my tour of recent horror movies suggested to me by Amazon Prime, and I think today might just be either a treat or the worse experience of my life.
Die Die Delta Pi is a 2015 horror movie with roots that go back to the 1980s. It’s clear that the movie was made on something of a home brew. What I mean by that is that it was made on the cheap with whatever the makers could get. So we definitely have something that isn’t going to look that great.nor be all that well acted. Continue reading “Die Die Delta Pi (2015)”
“It was supposed to be a fun night…”
I know that feeling. I get that every time I sit down to write one of these damn blog posts. It was supposed to be a fun night. Then it goes to shit and I watch crappy movies and dissect them. Oh well, it’s my cross to bear.
I return to the world of Amazon Prime to explore more horror movies made in the 2000s. This one, I admit, has something going for it. Yeah, last week I watched a horror movie that followed an overused idea that what you saw was “based on true events” when, in fact, it’s almost entirely bullshit. Horror movies still do that by the way. But I think most will say that the Conjuring movies are generally well made and get the pass for being as good as they are. Continue reading “Sleepover (2016)”
Well, because the sweet embrace of death didn’t come to pass last week, I guess I have to continue Full Moon Fever. At least there’s a chick in her bra and panties on the cover of this week’s movie!
Er… I mean. That had zero bearing on me choosing this movie – Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt. No, that was the $2.95 price tag at the local Dollar General.
And the promise of tits. Lots and lots of tits. Continue reading “Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011)”