Devil’s Express (1976)

Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?

Why, it’s Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil’s Express!  Where do I start with this one?  I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy.  There’s a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other.  We have the not one, but TWO taglines – “50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!” and “Take the Express train to TERROR!!!”  Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.

But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster.  Mr. Warhawk Tanzania!  That’s a fucking name and a half, ain’t it?  Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that – 1) he’s gonna kick ass and 2) he ain’t gonna take no jive from anybody no how. Continue reading “Devil’s Express (1976)”

The Octagon (1980)

Aw shit yeah octagons.

They tell us to stop our cars.  They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments.  They have eight, count ’em EIGHT, sides.  You know why octagons are so fuckin’ badass?

Because they ain’t no squares, that’s why.

Then there’s Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris does not wear a condom – because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice.  They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn’t take shit from anybody.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN. Continue reading “The Octagon (1980)”

The Suckling (1990)

Oh, what’s this?  The Suckling?  I wonder if this movie is any good.  What is it that they say?  Ah, that’s right…

“What’s in a name?  Everything.”

Oh.  Oh, no.  That doesn’t bode well.  Well, I can at least say that the monster on the cover of the box is fucking awesome looking.  Look at that guy!  He’s all head and teeth and grossness!

I also have to give it props for two things written up on for real, very reliable websites.  The first, is the very brief synopsis given on Amazon Prime Video: “An aborted fetus dumped in a sewer full of toxic sludge returns.  Newly restored in HD.”  Fuck yeah!  We got a dumpster baby!  AND!  AND!  It’s been restored to high goddamn definition!  That just kills me.  That part at the end about it being newly restored is likely not going to be the selling point for any normal person looking for a movie for this evening’s entertainment. Continue reading “The Suckling (1990)”

After School Massacre (2014)

I’m gonna guess it doesn’t take too much to understand why I’m doing this movie, but, nonetheless, this week’s B-Movie Enema is a little 2014 “comedy” I found on Amazon Prime Video called After School Massacre.

I mean, the cover’s got the word “massacre” in the title.  There’s a bloody knife.  It’s got a shitty tagline of “Some students just don’t make the grade.”  “After school” takes me back to the cheesy, but still classic, ABC Afterschool Specials that taught me the dangers of strangers and drugs and pregnancy.  It looks like the killer committing the titular massacre is hiding under a bath towel…  Or, wait, I guess he’s under the bed. Continue reading “After School Massacre (2014)”

Saturday the 14th (1981)

This week’s B-Movie Enema is being released in conjunction with the latest three-part episode extravaganza at Film Seizure!

That three-part extravaganza over there is for our original pilot episode in which we talked all about the first three Friday the 13th movies.  So, with today being Saturday the 14th, and we talked about the first three movies of the Friday the 13th series…

Well, you get the picture.

Saturday the 14th was a relatively famous movie when I was a kid.  It seemed to be on TV an awful lot and had recognizable faces in it.  The star, Richard Benjamin, has sort of been featured here before as well as being known for being the protagonist in the original Westworld movie.  He was not just an actor, but also a director.  Just go back some months to find me talking about his My Stepmother Is an Alien. Here, he’s starring with his real life wife, Paula Prentiss, who was mostly known for being in the 1975 version of Get Out, The Stepford Wives. Continue reading “Saturday the 14th (1981)”

Terror on Tour (1980)

So here’s a bit of a rarity on B-Movie Enema – a movie I’m coming into practically blind.

I’ve watched the trailer for this week’s feature, Terror on Tour, and it looks pretty shitty.  I think it’s supposed to be some sort of KISS band with guys in white and black makeup in tight clothes and capes and shit who begin to kill people or something?  No, maybe it’s like an early version of Insane Clown Posse or something because they kinda look like clowns?  All I know is that you know you’re in good hands when there is no such thing as a poster for the movie.  All you got is a VHS cover, and it’s a Media VHS release no less. Continue reading “Terror on Tour (1980)”

Zombie Nightmare (1987)

Since returning from hiatus, I’ve written about a Canadian movie and a movie from 1987.  This week, I cover a 1987 Canadian movie.  Huh…  Funny how things work out.

Zombie Nightmare is one of those flicks that marries heavy metal and horror.  I’ve touched upon this before with Black Roses – which also happens to be a Canadian horror movie.  However, this one has a few very distinct reasons for why I wanted this on the blog.

First, this is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alum.  It’s a pretty solid episode as well.  Second, our star, Jon Mikl Thor, had this and another movie with “Nightmare” in the title from 1987 that just simply need to be here on B-Movie Enema.  Finally, it was one of the final six movies to be looped on Bizarre TV before the Roku channel’s original owner, Ronda Baffes, passed away.  Bizarre TV was such a huge part of how I was able to get this far with the blog, I feel like I owe it some continued love. Continue reading “Zombie Nightmare (1987)”

Assassination (1987)

Ah Cannon Films, how I’m glad to be back in your warm embrace.

And what’s this?  It’s a Charles Bronson picture this time?  Oh boy.  I’m ready to see some people get their fucking teeth kicked in by a geriatric!

I’ve covered lots of Cannon Films on this blog, but I’ve only covered a couple movies from their big Chuck duo – Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris.  Those two previous films, The Delta Force and Firewalker, both belong to Chuck Norris.  It was often said, as a bit of an inside thing, that the Cannon Films casting often looked at whatever goofy movie Golan and Globus wanted to make and then separated them into the two Chuck piles.  Some were better for Chuck Norris’ skill set while others were better for Bronson.  I’m guessing the movies that needed a more mobile action star who might be able to be more hands on with dishing out justice to punks went to Norris.  Then the ones that seemed more suitable for a Clint Eastwood type went to Bronson.  After all, by the time Bronson started making tons of Cannon Films, he was in his 50s and seemed much older than Norris anyway. Continue reading “Assassination (1987)”