Oh no… I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.
This… is Kung Fu Brother. You know you’re in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb’s cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot. Continue reading “Kung Fu Brother (2016)”
Cold Steel on the outside… ALL woman on the inside!
Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas. Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals – they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market. I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!
HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ! LADIES AND GUNS! WOOHOO!
Ahem… Sorry, everyone. Not sure what got into me there. Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action. I mean, why not? Let’s turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!? Continue reading “Policewomen (1974)”
Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?
Why, it’s Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil’s Express! Where do I start with this one? I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy. There’s a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other. We have the not one, but TWO taglines – “50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!” and “Take the Express train to TERROR!!!” Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.
But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster. Mr. Warhawk Tanzania! That’s a fucking name and a half, ain’t it? Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that – 1) he’s gonna kick ass and 2) he ain’t gonna take no jive from anybody no how. Continue reading “Devil’s Express (1976)”
Aw shit yeah octagons.
They tell us to stop our cars. They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments. They have eight, count ’em EIGHT, sides. You know why octagons are so fuckin’ badass?
Because they ain’t no squares, that’s why.
Then there’s Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom – because there is no protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice. They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn’t take shit from anybody. The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN. Continue reading “The Octagon (1980)”
Ah Cannon Films, how I’m glad to be back in your warm embrace.
And what’s this? It’s a Charles Bronson picture this time? Oh boy. I’m ready to see some people get their fucking teeth kicked in by a geriatric!
I’ve covered lots of Cannon Films on this blog, but I’ve only covered a couple movies from their big Chuck duo – Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris. Those two previous films, The Delta Force and Firewalker, both belong to Chuck Norris. It was often said, as a bit of an inside thing, that the Cannon Films casting often looked at whatever goofy movie Golan and Globus wanted to make and then separated them into the two Chuck piles. Some were better for Chuck Norris’ skill set while others were better for Bronson. I’m guessing the movies that needed a more mobile action star who might be able to be more hands on with dishing out justice to punks went to Norris. Then the ones that seemed more suitable for a Clint Eastwood type went to Bronson. After all, by the time Bronson started making tons of Cannon Films, he was in his 50s and seemed much older than Norris anyway. Continue reading “Assassination (1987)”
Holy shit… This is the 100th post for B-Movie Enema. Yowzers. How am I going to celebrate?
I’ve already looked at one Captain America movie way back in May 2016. So why am I double dipping? Because Cap is my A-1 Super Guy. He fights for freedom and awesomeness.
And also… America. Fuckin’ pure America. Pure like Budweiser changing their name to America. Continue reading “Captain America (1990)”
Frank Castle… It’s the A-1 super bad ass of the Marvel Universe. He is a marksman from the U.S. Marines who also trained with the Navy Seals. Basically, name some group in the military, and Castle probably had something to do with it.
When he returned from service, he was excited to come home to his wife and children. However, while picnicking with them, tragedy happened. A mob deal went sour and the shootout resulted in Castle’s family being caught in the middle and killed. He vowed to destroy every criminal and became known as The Punisher. Continue reading “The Punisher (1989)”
The Fantastic Four is Marvel Comics’ “first family”. Without them, there literally is no Marvel. They were the brainchild of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby and launched in 1961 to capitalize on the re-emergence of superhero popularity in comic books that had waned by the late 1950s.
The Fantastic Four was comprised of leader Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) who could stretch like rubber, Susan Storm (Invisible Girl) who could turn herself invisible, The Thing (Ben Grimm) who was a hulking rock monster, and Johnny Storm (The Human Torch) who was both Susan’s brother and able to light himself on fire. They treated each other as family and even argued like one too. It was the first real example of a team of superheroes who didn’t always get along. Despite the overall high sci-fi type of tales they would tell, Lee and Kirby had created something that had a realistic flavor to the characters and their interactions. Continue reading “The Fantastic Four (1994)”