The Dragon Lives Again (aka Deadly Hands of Kung Fu, 1977)

12 ASSASSINS FROM HELL WITH ONE OBJECTIVE:

KILL BRUCE!

Whoa…  Who is Bruce and why is he such an asshole that you need demon assassins from hell to take him out?

Oh boy, that’s question that has answers that is weird and interesting in its own right.  Shit, I could write an entire article on the whole idea of “Bruceploitation” alone and never once start this movie.  The explanation of why Bruce needs to be killed and what the title even means begins with the greatest martial arts star in the whole world: Bruce Lee.

Oriental Blue (1975)

Okay.  Admittedly, last week was a bit of a blunder in my Blue March theme month here at B-Movie Enema.  However, can this week’s feature, Oriental Blue, do better?  Can it improve upon the cockamamie doody bullfuck that was The Vixens of Kung Fu?

Well…  I mean it kinda has to right?  Right?  Yes, it is made by the same guy, Bill Milling.  Yes, it’s Asian-themed.  Yes, there seems to be some form of prostitution afoot.  But I can say it is a full 15 minutes longer.  That has to mean something, right?

Right?

The Vixens of Kung Fu (1975)

We’ve got two more weeks for Blue March and you know what we need?  A vacation.  Let’s head out to the mystical Orient to get some eastern eroticism.

We start by first checking in with The Vixens of Kung Fu.

Gee.  I wonder why this one appeals to me.  Vixens.  Kung Fu.  Yup, the math checks out.  But it’s not only that, but it also has some sweet, sweet revenge.  The movie is about a young prostitute getting brutally assaulted.  She runs away and finds a secret group of hot ass kung fu masters.  They train her and she gets her revenge all in a real tidy 70-minute package.  

Kung Fu Brother (2016)

Oh no…  I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.

This… is Kung Fu Brother.  You know you’re in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb’s cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot.

Policewomen (1974)

Cold Steel on the outside… ALL woman on the inside!

Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas.  Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals – they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market.  I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!

HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ!  LADIES AND GUNS!  WOOHOO!

Ahem…  Sorry, everyone.  Not sure what got into me there.  Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action.  I mean, why not?  Let’s turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!?

Devil’s Express (1976)

Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?

Why, it’s Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil’s Express!  Where do I start with this one?  I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy.  There’s a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other.  We have the not one, but TWO taglines – “50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!” and “Take the Express train to TERROR!!!”  Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.

But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster.  Mr. Warhawk Tanzania!  That’s a fucking name and a half, ain’t it?  Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that – 1) he’s gonna kick ass and 2) he ain’t gonna take no jive from anybody no how.

The Octagon (1980)

Aw shit yeah octagons.

They tell us to stop our cars.  They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments.  They have eight, count ’em EIGHT, sides.  You know why octagons are so fuckin’ badass?

Because they ain’t no squares, that’s why.

Then there’s Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris does not wear a condom – because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice.  They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn’t take shit from anybody.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN.

Double Dragon (1994)

It’s December and it is a time of giving.  That said, I’d like to dedicate this month to a specific actress that has given not only me, but all of us so so much.  And since her birthday is also in December, well… Yeah, I put a lot of thought into this theme.

So without further ado, welcome to Alyssa Milano Month on B-Movie Enema!  We have five, count ’em FIVE, movies from one of the most productive, and crushed upon, girls of the 90s.  Not one who got mixed up in booze or drugs, but a legit amazingly hot woman who, to this day, still commands her sexuality and better judgment to be a hell of a person.