Heavenly Bodies (1984)

Every now and then…  Every so often… The stars align and I come across a movie that may be one of the most important films of our time.  If it isn’t necessarily one of “the most important” it certainly is one of the most perfect movies ever made.

Pull up a chair kiddies, and let me tell you the tale of 1984’s dance-ercize epic Heavenly Bodies.

And, besides, summer is coming – it’s time to make sure you got your beach bods ready for the sun and fun of the warmer weather!  Heavenly Bodies is about Samantha Blair, played by the incredibly cute and likable Cynthia Dale, who is an aerobics instructor at a Canadian fitness club named, well, Heavenly Bodies.  She soon finds herself in the battle of her life as she competes against one of the lead instructors at a mega fitness club chain for a spot on a local television workout show.  This brings her face-to-face with big wig bullshit and the only way for her to fight and defeat the evils of capitalism is to dance the fuck out of it.

Shag: The Movie (1989)

It’s a new month and a new opportunity to have a new theme.

Back in December, I covered Alyssa Milano in a way that only a real creep, or possibly that undertaker character Tom Petty played in the “Last Dance with Mary Jane” video, could.  That was a way to look at the body of work of a 90s dream girl who blossomed into a girl who really liked making movies teenage boys liked to watch.  For April, I decided to step back to the 1980s and talk about another brunette vixen that boys love to this day – Phoebe Cates.

Xanadu (1980)

A million lights are dancing and there you are…  A shooting turd out of Hollywood’s hairy ass.

In 1980, rollerskating and Grease fucked each other, and, thanks to cocaine causing neither to use appropriate protection and the VD captured from the slutty muses Grease would fuck on the side, the resulting monster child that came about was Xanadu.

While this movie is an abomination that needed to be aborted before it was birthed, it creates a bit of a conflict with me.  You see… *sigh* I don’t want to admit too much here… I have a real soft spot for this movie.  Maybe even to the point that I kinda like this movie a lot.

The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)

Let’s take a trip to the beach in this swingin’ 60s teenage romp!

Starring Tommy Kirk, Deborah Walley, Nancy Sinatra, with classic horror stars Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini raises a few questions.  First, I wonder what Karloff and Rathbone’s asking prices were.  Second, are we going to see the titular ghost’s tits?  Finally, how bad is this movie gonna suck balls?

I mean, is the invisible bikini like…  Is it a ghost too?  Did the girl die and then, in an unrelated accident, the bikini died too?  So the bikini is also a ghost?  Or… or maybe, just maybe, the bikini is made out of a fabric that is invisible too?  Maybe the girl died, like by being murdered by a real bad guy?  And he chopped her up and only kept the bikini top and bottom bits so it’s not so much that the bikini itself is invisible, but that the ghost doesn’t have those bits because the crazy guy kept those bits of her body?  I mean, if you go cuckoo bananas and chop up a girl, those would be the parts you’d keep right?  Like, the best parts?